Depression is more like a black hole. Being anxious and depressed is like being scared and tired in the same time. It’s the fear of failure, but nothing urges you to be productive. You want to have more friends but you are antisocial. You want to be alone but you hate being lonely. It feels like you’re numb.

In this big world I’m feeling lonely every time. I’m having panic attacks more and more often. So many nights when I couldn’t close one eye or nights when I’ve slept badly, so many fake smiles, so many masks… Sometimes, all I need is just laying my head on someone’s shoulder and talk about everything that had me depressed.

I was a victim of bullying. I have a small problem with my legs. I was born at prematurely (6 months and half), I could’ve be dead today… I never wanted to be that person who’s known as a “disabled”, but nothing be can changed, we can’t create, change or destroy our destiny.

I’m a choleric person, I like to dominate and I also like others knowing that I’m always right. I know when to give up to admit it was my fault. When I don’t get what I want, in various circumstances, I always revenge on others around me. Sometimes I’m bipolar…

I hate when I see happy couples or couples who are faking their happiness on social media. All I need in this moment is that feeling that I’m loved. A hug (or more) from the person I have crush on could help me very much in this kind of situation. As I said, I need to stay in someone’s arms and to feel that I can trust someone. I know that when you are touched by the person it doesn’t mean you are loved. The love has more meanings (take care of the partner, traveling together, cooking together, make plans for future and so on).

Sometimes I’m just feeling like August Pullman (Auggie) of Wonder, book by R.J. Palacio. I feel marginalised, sometimes I wonder how I still have friends. I have so much pain and fears in my soul that I asking myself how the hell I can still resist. I’m not alone, but I’m feeling like. I have nobody next to me when I need. Inside my heart, is only a child who didn’t receive the affection needed at the right time, now it’s quite late. I wonder how many times did my dad embraced me while he was beside me, I wonder how many times he told me or make me fell more beautiful. He left a huge gap in my heart and my life that can not be filled with anything else… To leave me in this way… However, I got used to the idea of having a incomplete family. It might be a complicated family, not perfect like others, but I’m thankful for those who are still around me everyday today. I want to be happy, fill of wisdom and fulfilled but inside I have a lot of thoughts which fight for supremacy: fear of being lonely, fear of failure; there is no longer any future plans in my mind, just want to sit on silence with no more tears.

There are nights when I cry without anyone seeing me because no one could help me, nights when I have a panic attack… I can’t find myself anymore. To create a connection with others people it’s hard for me because I’m scared to be disappointed of myself. I like honest people not mock. It fucking hurts. Life is not simple, is not a story. I lost mine. I lost my mum, I lost my dad and all things about the ideal of family. Thank you dad for all fears you put me in my soul and I lost my mum… I lost myself. I’m a mess, I’m a loser….

I don’t think anyone deserves to be raised in a family where later on you realise that life is no longer a game and it’s not a pleasant thing to deal with.

There are nights when I’m going out to take some fresh air and to just stare at the moon. Everything that I got now is hope. In live, doesn’t matter how beautiful or smart you are, it matters to face the challenges. Maybe, I’m beautiful and smart but I don’t feel that. In this moment, I’m feeling weak and helpless. To live is hard, to die is hard. So many failed attempts for both… Now, I’m not living, I’m facing the cruel reality. In this moment I want to call someone and tell how much he means for me, how much I love him… But how many steps am I suppose to make for you? How long do I have to run after you?

If you read this I’m begging you… make a step forward for me. I’m ready to go over attraction for you and to join you. I just want to talk…

Sometimes, depression isn’t only treated with therapeutic sessions. It’s only treating with feeling that are beloved.

Who am I really? What do I want to be? I am tired. So tired that I no longer want to be the one who’s looking for answers… they should come to me.

I am so tired…